When School Feels Too Hard: Understanding School Refusal

When School Feels Too Hard: Understanding School Refusal
By Eytan Woolfson: Clinical Psychologist Registrar

"Children aren’t giving us a hard time. They’re having a hard time." – Dr. Ross Greene

When a child begins to refuse school — with tears, tummy aches, panic, or shutdowns — it’s easy to assume defiance. But more often, school refusal is a signal, not a rebellion. It tells us something inside feels too overwhelming to face.

Sometimes the cause is clear: bullying, learning difficulties, or separation anxiety. Other times it’s more complex — perfectionism, sensory overload, fear of failure, or something shifting at home. Whatever the reason, the child’s nervous system is saying, “I don’t feel safe.”

I often use the metaphor of a smoke alarm. A child refusing school isn’t the fire — they’re the alarm. We need to investigate what’s setting it off rather than just trying to silence the sound.

Supporting school refusal isn’t about forcing attendance at all costs. It’s about gently rebuilding trust — with the school, with adults, and most importantly, within the child. Treatment may involve anxiety management, parent coaching, school collaboration, or trauma-informed therapy. The goal is to reduce fear, not to increase pressure.

When we treat the behaviour as communication — not defiance — we can offer compassion instead of consequence. That shift changes everything.

If your child is struggling to attend school, it doesn’t mean they’re broken. It means they’re asking for help in the only way they know how.